Kurt Russell (future post) has been quoted as saying that Dakota Fanning is the greatest actress with whom he’ll work in his entire life. Well, Kurt, do you think that might be because your film resume includes such heady endeavors as Poseidon, Overboard, and Captain Ron? That’d be like the singer from Smashmouth telling me who the greatest guitar player in rock history is.
Don’t be fooled, Dakota won hearts all over the fucking place in her breakout role in the film I am Sam (the one where Sean Penn is retarded). People didn’t find her as amusing though when she starred opposite Denzel Washington in Man on Fire and ended up getting his kick-ass character killed just so she and her stupid teddy bear could continue to live the bourgeois lifestyle in Mexico City while the majority of its population die of starvation in the slums.
And after a little digging, guess what… Her first name isn’t even fucking Dakota! Yeah, exactly. That was my reaction as well (assuming you just punched your computer). It’s actually her middle name that she “goes by” in Hollywood. There are already two fucking states with that as part of their name, what right do you have to go pimping it for yourself just so you can star in mediocre shitshows like Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story? And everybody’s favorite old man who won’t die, Kris Kristofferson, who was also in that suckfest claims that Fanning is, “Bette Davis reincarnated.” You fucking pervert.
I’m a solid twelve years older than Fanning, and I’d wager I’ve got at least four to five inches and a good thirty pounds on her. This fight would be like fighting a dead kitten, if the dead kitten had voiced Lilo in Lilo & Stitch 2. Oh, and I feel obligated to mention that the image I pulled of Fanning was off of a Wordpress blog titled Tween Scene.
Fight Length: 3 minutes
Opponent’s Special Power: crooked-fang tooth that tears flesh from bone
Ideal Fight Location: Mexico City
My Final Move: Fanning unleashes the crooked-fang tooth on me in a last minute desperate attempt to gain the upper hand. Unphased, I do a flash kick (from Streetfighter where you light your foot on fire and then do a backflip kick to the head) that knocks out all of her teeth which I then drill small holes into and fashion into a decorative necklace to celebrate my victory.4 years ago • 0 notes