Haley Joel Osment
Whoa. The Sixth Sense was like having your teeth shattered by a Frenchman wielding an over-sized glass dildo. It wasn’t Bruce Willis’ fault; that guy kicks total ass (even for a bald dude) and I would never claim that I could waste him. Then who’s to blame? Famed twist-ending specialist Director M. Night Shyamalan? Donnie Wahlberg as the confused, stripped near nude Vincent Grey? Producers Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall or Barry Mendel?
Fuck no.
It was that unholy freakshow of a pre-teen with absolutely no room for scleras in his eyes because his pupils are so unnaturally large named Haley Joel Osment. His famous quote from the film is, of course, “I see dead people.” Well, I see one as well, Osment. I did a little digging recently and discovered that Osment was born in 1988. This makes him a full six years younger than me, meaning that I could automatically wreck the fuck out of him in a man-battle.
The aforementioned horror film though wasn’t the first time that Osment rubbed me wrong. On the last season of what is second only to Becker as obviously the greatest series of all time, Murphy Brown, that cocky little blond shows up out of absolutely fucking nowhere in the final season to replace premium child actor Dylan Christopher as Murphy’s son. Way to break the fourth wall, you dick. Christopher was Murphy’s kid for six, count em, six full seasons and you think you can just flutter those press-on stripper eyelashes and think we’re going to be OK with it? Welcome to the real world, bitch. We don’t deal with shit like that here.
Then, he shows up on Walker, Texas Ranger for one single episode and plays the role of a child dying of AIDS. No sympathy for you, Osment. Should’ve wrapped it up or used a clean needle. And what is a six year old doing having sex and using intravenous drugs anyways? Boo-hoo. Cry yourself to sleep, because I don’t waste tears over baby junkie nymphos. It’s probably going to be sooner than later that I end up scrapping with this kid because he’s not even famous anymore. He probably shops at Safeway and doesn’t even buy organic food. Most likely, we’ll bump into each other near the avocados. Here are the stats:
Fight Length: Less than 8 seconds
My Final Move: I smash two full avocados into his eye sockets (nobody notices the difference) and they drill into his frontal lobe, giving him an obnoxious stroke and when he falls to the floor he wacks his head and dies
3 years ago • 0 notes