Steve Jobs
For anybody who doesn’t already know, Steve Jobs is the Chairman and CEO of Apple Computers. I guess I’d like to say thanks for making better computers than Dell, and brining peace to Darfur by the advent of the iPod, but that aside, fuck you, Steve Jobs. I’m having to fightblog today from a remote place because of your goddamned faulty power cords. I’ve got a PowerBook G4 laptop and as of today, my mean little power cord that’s been messing with my sanity for about six months finally officially died in a flurry of blue sparks and smoke from where it burnt my carpet. What if I had left that shit plugged in while I went to get my protein shake and egg-white omelet this morning, you asshole?
The thing is, Steve Jobs is old. I mean, not that old, he was born in 1955. Still, I’m pretty sure that gives me a serious one-up when we finally get to tango. There’s another reason that I’ve not mentioned that makes Jobs eligible for a heinous beat-down: he’s the largest shareholder of Disney. Jesus H. Christ. Like you don’t have enough money? Why don’t you do something productive like solve the fucking energy crisis instead of buying up shares of Mickey’s empire with all of that money?
This guy, like my power adaptor, is toast. With fucking butter and jelly. No, he’s fucking rye toast with cream cheese and lox on it. And maybe a few capers. Here at fightblog, I’ve decided to add a couple of explanatory additions to my previously very brief fight descriptions. Enjoy.
Fight Length: 6hrs 11min
Opponent’s Special Power: continually distracting his adversary with new, touch-screen versions of all of Apple’s products
Ideal Fight Location: on top of Epcot Center at Disney World
My Final Move: tie two iPods together by their ear buds, turning them into impromptu nunchucks. I begin to spin them so fast that they create the illusion that I’m in like nine places at once (like Matrix shit). Jobs is so confused that he starts to run from me, but I’m like everywhere. I mess with him a while (hence the long fight length) and then finally grab him, tear off his arms, and then beat him to death with them.
3 years ago • Notes